The Void

I remember those dark days. It was always cold, even through the summer. Friends laughed and enjoyed fun times and I smiled for them. It was just easier. I didn't want to talk about anything, and they didn't want to hear about it anyway. I had always feared this feeling. I never wanted to know what it was like to stop caring, to not feel happiness or joy, I couldn't even feel sadness anymore. It was all gone and I didn't care. That was the worst part I think, simply not caring what was going on or what was going to happen in the future. None of it mattered anymore.
Too much had happened, too many things left unsaid. Too many goodbyes. I had no more appetite for life, no more appetite for food either. I lost fifty pounds that year. Through it all I put on the brave face, always a smile to hide behind. But what was I hiding? There was nothing there to hide. Only emptiness. Even the sadness had left, the hollow shell going through the motions of life but not really living it.
I remember not even caring if it ever came back. This nothingness seemed so much easier. So what if there was no joy, at least there was no pain, so this couldn't be all bad right? I could do this, so what if I checked out of life, I was still getting things done. Who cared anyway, it was my life to live or pass through however I wished.
No one ever asked. The people I had surrounded myself with at the time were too preoccupied with their own drama to worry about my non-interest. Looking back I don't think that was by design, just the luck of the draw. What would I have said if they had asked? "I'm fine." So simple. No one ever asks for more after that anyway. Like I said, generally too preoccupied to care.
I remember what it was like, but I don't remember how it ended. No one moment, not even a series of moments stand out as the beacons of feeling. I only know one day real smiles and real sadness had re-entered my life. No fanfare, no celebration, No one noticed I had returned either. Though I suppose if I didn't see any monumental change, it might not be so surprising that no one else saw a change either.
I realize now that life is much better while actually living it, but it means so much more now with perspective. I feel now, all of it, and so much more than I ever could before. I smile when I'm happy, and only then. There is no time for false anything anymore. I don't fear the darkness anymore, having lived through it. I certainly don't want to go back there, but I will never forget the lessons that year in the dusk taught me.

Just a thought....

The strength that I see in you,
How I wish it could be in me too,
No matter what anyone says,
No matter what anyone could possible do,
No one can ever take away the amazing person I see in you.

You bring hope that everything will be better,
Bring some peace to this wounded soul,
In days ahead there is much to smile for,
And the best chance to feel finally whole.

Quiet...

Facing the darkness,
With the sunlight behind,
I turn to see it,
but find only the dark in my mind.

Find me again when the stars shine down,
hidden by the darkness that is always around.

I cannot be sure,
When again the light may come,
I may not see anything,
Any chance, anyone.

Broken inside, with secrets unseen,
And I may never know what any of them mean.

Going...

Give me a chance and I'll try and do whatever it takes to make things right. Err... I keep trying to remember when things made sense, and I can't really. There was probably a time when I was little, but since I have no memory of anything that far back, it seems as though nothing has ever made sense. I wanted to think that I had finally figured things out, that I knew where I was going, how I was going to get there, and who would be around to join me. I wanted to think that. I really did.
I haven't lost my direction, and amazingly enough, I haven't lost my steam either. So that's new, and different. Most of the time in my life when one thing went wrong I let just about everything else spin out of control. I am pretty good at that. So far at least, this time around I am mostly keeping it together. Though I am giving myself opportunity to lose it all again, I am trying to focus my energy where I think it can do the most good. We'll see how that works out.
So I know where I'm going, I see the goal and have a pretty good idea of how I'm getting there, but as per always, something is missing. As far as that goes, I don't really know what I want. It is almost as if every time I think I might have an answer, something changes, or even when I think I'm ready to not worry about it for a little while, I find a way to confuse the crap out of everthing again. Maybe tommorrow I'll figure out where I'm trying to get to on this. I doubt it though, that would be too easy.

What a long strange year it's been...

It has been kind of a long year. I've gotten a new job, which I love. I have left that valley life that I actually enjoyed to return home to a life that I enjoy more. I have (mostly) given up trying to be something I'm not. I still have my moments, but hey, I'm working on it, so give me a break. Actually coming to the realization that I'm depressed has actually made it easier to deal with. Or maybe made it easier to let go of the things that weren't doing anything but make me more depressed. Though I don't really want to let go, I never do, but I know I have to. So I'm working on that too.
It's the letting go of the good feelings that's the hard part. So many good memories that are associated with some not so good ones, but to let the past go and get happier, I have to let them be memories. I can't keep trying to relive the great times. They're gone, at least with certain people. I still maintain that no one knows what the future will hold, but hoping for some things is just downright destructive. So I am facing the parts of myself that I have turned away from, in an effort to make everything else a little bit easier.
I have also decided that I am going to write my book already. Maybe not the one I was going to write a year ago, but something a bit more useful for this age. We'll see. Time to get out of my fantastical head and into the present. Time to open my eyes.

Someday

So it's a beautiful morning. No clouds, a little cool, but that will change. Still of course, finding happiness is difficult. I have a great job, good friends, and an awesome day. So why do I have to think about smiling so much? Why is it so difficult just to be happy? If I were some sort of medical professional, I might say it was due to a chemical imbalance, or something like that. Perhaps if I were a nutritionist it might be that my diet is terrible and therefore I don't get all of the things I need. This of course might be leading to the chemical imbalance, but maybe not.
I tend to think it probably doesn't have everything to do with my diet, since I've felt this way for basically all my life, and I know that I have eaten better i nthe past, and have changed how and what I've eaten many times over so that seems unlikely. It probably is just some broken part of my head, something that maybe could be "fixed" with the right kind of treatment, but who wants that? I have managed to survive this long without any of that crap, so why would I start now? Besides, I like knowing that my thoughts are mine, even if many of them are rather sad.
Of course finding happiness and then losing it really doesn't help this mix-up in my head. I know that I must be doing something right to have felt good and happy in relationships, even if so far they haven't been forever lasting. Even the ones that I thought might make it, for one reason or another, just didn't. So I remember these times now, and while there are definitely some very happy memories, (including the moments when I know I fell in love, those are pretty cool), there is overall a sadness now shadowing those memories too.
I still march onward however, towards the next heartache, if that is to be the case. I can't find someone to love forever if I'm not willing to try. Plus how better than to learn to deal with and control the darkness than to give myself more ammunition to fight it with. Even if that means letting it get a bit bigger. Not every moment is going to be a happy one, not every person I meet is going to be someone that will be with me forever. Maybe somewhere in there I can find more of the good friends that have been with me and helped shoulder this burden through the years. Were it not for them, who knows. Maybe I would have run off and dissapeared into the wild a long time ago. Like Thora in Ghost World. Get on a bus and head out of town. Although it being me I probably would have driven myself, but you get the point.
Somewhere is the place I belong. Maybe it's right here. I'm starting to think so at least. And maybe someday soon, I'll run into the person that I'm supposed to be here with. Even if I don't, I'm not worried. Time may be no friend of mine, but it's not an enemy either. I'm finally figuring that out.

Err, Random I guess

So I have a decided distaste for chain letters, they have always seemed rather silly. This being the internet generation however, the traditional chain letter seems to have gone the way of the dodo. That being said, this is basically just one of the new chain letters, the 'tag and copy' questionnaire. And true, I am not a fan of these either. But so what. I'm kinda doing this, only in that I'm not tagging anyone, so therefore breaking the chain. Besides, if I want to know "interesting" things about you, well if you're my friend I probably already do, and if I don't, then I'll ask. Or not. Depends on my mood. Meh.

1. I'll watch sporting events on tv even when I don't particularly care about either of the teams playing. Only sometimes though, assuming there isn't something better on. Also assuming I'm not doing something more interesting.

2. Generally speaking, I just don't care. It takes a lot of energy to care, so I try not to spend it. Which isn't to say that I don't care about anything, I just care a lot about a few particular people and things.

3. The people I do care about, I will do anything for. (This does not include death for reasons of anger, however, it may include death for reason of injury. Just a warning.)

4. Seasonally affected? Yup, that's me. Clouds, cold, rain, color me generally feeling low. Of course, that doesn't mean I always feel great when the weather is nice. More on that later.

5. I really like reading. Even if I don't do it much.

6. Same goes for running. And hiking. Happens more in the warmer days, much easier to get motivated.

7. Social butterfly? Um, no. I do enjoy getting out, hanging out with people and having a good time. Just don't expect me to be all party-go-lucky.

8. I enjoy being alone. Kind of a lot. Lets me focus, and I actually enjoy the social time much more when I get my balance.

9. When do I write? When I'm in the mood. Which granted isn't nearly as often as I used to. But it is my most passionate endeavor.

10. So I'm tired. That does happen kind of a lot too. All that means right now is that I'm about done.

11. About that seasonal thing. That's not exactly true. Really I'm more chronically depressed. Have been for as long as I can remember. If you didn't know this about me, maybe we're not as close as you might have thought we were. Or maybe I'm just better at dealing with it than most. It doesn't mean I need drugs or therapy, all it means is that for me, it takes more effort to enjoy life. But as I said, I do that. I function, I smile, I laugh. It's really not that big of deal. Life is fun, why shouldn't I be enjoying it? It's worth the effort. Meh. ;)