Voyager

It is a beautiful day, sunny at least. Still rather cold out, making it cold in, but no matter. The sun has risen and life goes ever onward. Many years and many moons and many sunrises later, days that meant promise of one kind have faded, lost to time, but there is yet hope. There is a new wind brewing, a new land on the horizon. Having cast off from a distant shore in search of a promise, I am still searching. Many ships have I passed, all searching too. Sometimes we went on together for awhile, sometimes we parted ways before we'd had a chance to truly meet.
I've nearly grounded on rocky shoals sometimes too, come close to meeting my end before finding my peace. But there is open water ahead. Clear and bright, wind in the sails and who knows what lies beyond. Time will tell.

The spoken word

Sometimes there are so many things I want to say, so many things that are left unsaid. Sometimes I'm just scared to let them out, sometimes I just have so much at once I don't know where to start. So many time in my life I have wanted to say the right thing in the perfect moment, and definitely more often that not I have failed to say anything at all. It has long been the bane of my existence to weather this storm of silence, telling those closest to me how I really feel about them.
How much I care for them, how much I appreciate their support and friendship, that indeed I really do love them even if I can never say it. I wish I could say it hasn't happened often, but it has. I wish I could say it won't ever happen again, but it continues to happen every day. More than one person has noticed how difficult it is for me to even say hello, let alone anything else. That in fact is so obvious that it's been put to verse. But for all of my inability to act or speak in a fashion that would be at all helpful to me in virtually any situation, something else has recently come to my attention.
As difficult as it has been for me to say how I feel, something even more worrisome is starting to present itself. I don't know how to say goodbye. To anything. At any given moment I am trapped in high school, standing in the corner of the room, or alone in the dark. Surrounded by friends unable to speak, lost in a cave that seems to have no exit. I can't say goodbye, can't let go, so many things and people that were so important to me are long gone and never coming back, but I am unwilling to say goodbye. I'm hanging on so hard to what I've lost in the hopes that I can keep from losing it.
But I already have, either by my own shortcomings or through no fault of my own, they're gone and not coming back. And there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have to say goodbye, I just really don't want to. I've been able to get along this far without totally letting go of everything, so maybe I have found a way to kind of make it work. Kinda, for now. It just feels a little like letting go of the wonderful memories to say goodbye. I know there's a balance, I just haven't found it yet. Someday... Someday all of this will make sense. Until then...

Perfect Moments

Spending time long gone, far away from here, trying to find myself. Lost and found again and again, too similar had I become, too much the same as I had always been. So away I went, to find some light, find some hope, find myself. I didn't know who I really was, only that I had been trying to live up to my own expectations of what everyone else probably thought I should be. Don't know if they actually felt that way, expected anything of me more than just me. But I tried anyway.
Until that day I finally decided that there was more to me than this. So I found a way, made a new life and through trial, error, happiness and pain, found most of who I wanted to be. For three years I picked and polished, tried many different ways, met new people and had new experiences. Some good, some bad, all worth learning from. I thought I had found some perfection there, but in the end perfection is a little harder to find. I did have perfect moments, good memories that will serve me well as I move forward. Even if the aftermath wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.
More than once I have tried and failed to find that next level, but no matter. I have found more levels than I thought existed since leaving here, even realized that maybe I found I could come home. I found more opportunity and more joy than I had ever believed possible, have built relationships that support me and find me back here now. Friends and loved ones that give me a chance to figure this life out for myself, and find my own way. And indeed for a time it seemed as if all of my sacrifices and struggles had finally paid their full due, in all aspects of my life.
Maybe it is not so much true now, but even if I may not have perfect now, I know it is very close at hand. This puzzle that is my life has been rather difficult to piece together, even harder to keep together at times. But here I stand. I wake up in the morning thankful for my chance to make this the life I want, I fall asleep daring to dream that there will be everything I pray for the next day. I try and remember all of the good and happy moments, re-live every single smile, every touch and every one of those perfect moments.
I don't know if I will wake to find that happiness has returned, but I know someday something like it will come if it doesn't. But if my experiences away have taught me anything, hope and faith are very powerful. So I won't give them up. Maybe I am setting myself p for a fall, but some things are worth believing in, worth praying for, maybe even worth waiting for. Eyes ahead to the future, but fondly remembering the past. And that part of me that won't let it go. Someday...well someday may never come for some things, but someday everything will be just as it should be. My perfect world is out there, maybe closer than I think, maybe closer than I could ever dare to hope for.
Living happy, living free, and living like there might be no tomorrow. All that matters is right now, at this perfect moment. Every single one of them. And hopefully so many more to come.

Embrace

Every time I see your face,
Every time we lovingly embrace,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.

To kiss your lips is divine,
To stand next to you sublime,
In your eyes the world is bright,
When you smile a glimmering light.

You have given me such faith,
In your presence I feel safe,
I give myself to this perfect place,
I dance and sing and win the race.

There is no other place I'd rather be,
No other place where I feel such glee,
Hard to explain this feeling inside,
But it's one I won't try to hide.

I met you on a cold dark night,
Followed you into the light,
Left behind all my doubts and fears,
All that's left now are happy tears.

Every time I hear your voice,
I feel loved and there is no choice,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.

The Whirlwind

I am so freakin exhausted. Body mind and soul are drained, it feels as though I have nothing left. I have spent the last few weeks on an emotional roller coaster, which of course would be trouble enough, but in addition I'm dealing with having had my last workday in Sac today, getting ready to move out of here in the next two days, and start my new life and career in four short days from now. I wish I could say I'm surprised I'm even awake right now, but seeing as I haven't been getting much sleep over the last few weeks and increasingly over the last few days, no surprises.
Somehow I'm muddling through, and I know that once the transition is made I can begin to settle a bit and things should hopefully get a bit easier. Then all I have to worry about is getting my emotions back on track, which of course may be easier said than done, but at least I will have removed some of the stress forces in my life and so at least it might make things a little bit simpler. I think I am going to try that sleeping thing, it sounds like a good idea at any rate. Plus I do have a crapload of stuff to do tomorrow, so the earlier to bed, maybe the more sleep I get and maybe I can actually get everything done.
Maybe I'll try and take a nap tomorrow. That might help a bit too. That and getting my throat to feel normal again. So many things... but a nap does sound good.

The fight... ignore this... just my mission

So why is it that it seems one can never have everything one wants at once? Would it be too much to bear? Too much to handle? Is there such a thing as too much happiness? I don't really think so, though since I can't recall the last time I felt that happy I can't really say. I do know that there are many things in my life that I am very happy about, very fortunate to have going for me, and I am thankful. I have worked very hard for a long time to be able to have the kind of job opportunity I am now getting and I know that without all of the crappy days at every one of my jobs that I never would be where I am now. An incredible opportunity, a great new start on what will hopefully be my second real career, after my production years, now I get a chance to do something new and exciting and different, though without all of my previous experiences I probably couldn't have even gotten this chance let alone have a chance of making it work.
But I know it will work. I look forward to the challenge of everyday, and also to being better able to define what I do to anyone who asks at some point in the future, but for now it is a lot of different things, in a place close to home. So I have a new job, I have a place to live, I have family and friends that support me no matter what I do, and are very happy for me as I move forward. It's still hard though. Moving forward. It is scary, and almost overwhelming at times. So much easier with support than it could ever be without.
I just miss some of that. I can't celebrate the way I had planned, can't bask in my unimaginable good fortune. There is something missing. I know what that something is, but I can't seem to get a hold of it. I am trying, even though I really don't know how. But I haven't lost hope. There have been times in my life when I have and this is not one of them. Times when I gave up and without my friends I might never have recovered. But not this time. While I have made it this far (and it certainly hasn't been alone) I won't be giving up now. Too much faith has been laid upon me be my friends throughout the years, too many promises made to go down without fighting now.
So I look forward to my new career, my new life and everything that comes with it. I look forward to the challenge of making the best of my life that I can. And I look forward to the fight for that which I want most. I don't really know how to, having only done it twice in my life, but I pray now. To who or what exactly I cannot tell, but I pray that what I truly desire, more than I have ever before, gives me another chance to prove it. I know I will be successful in life, that is no longer a question. I will become the person I have endeavored to become.
That's the reason I moved to Sac in the first place, to find myself. Over the last three years, I have done just that. One thing I did not really realize until now however was that I was not just finding myself, I was finding the person I wanted to become. And I have found him. And that person, this person, won't give up on what he wants. I will say my prayers, hold onto my dreams, and fight to live and dance another day every day.

Falling apart and dreaming

So maybe I haven't written in a while. Or maybe I have, and just haven't done so publicly. Either way, it has been quite some time since I visited this place, too long. I am at yet another crossroads in my life, where only days ago everything seemed perfect and set and it looked as though my little life was expanding and moving and becoming everything that I had always wanted it to be. I can see the path of enlightenment, as it were. There has often been this dread in my life, waiting for the bad thing to happen when things were going even remotely okay, but not lately. I feel very lucky to have had such a time of clarity and enjoyment, such of time of focus not only on right now, but on my future and what I really want from it.
I still know what I want, or at least I have a much better handle on it than I did six or seven months ago. Sadly right now I am not the least bit sure if I will get what I want. For those that know me best, it is yet again that time of trial. I'm not sure exactly what the trial is this time, but I am hoping it is only one of patience. Maybe what I want is still there, maybe if I can just be patient enough to wait for it. Maybe I'm not ready for what I think I want. Maybe I need to be patient with myself for a while first and then I'll be ready for it. I don't know.
I still feel like I'm closing in on something extraordinary. I still think I know what that is. I pray every day that I am right because I'm kinda tired of searching for it. Maybe no one know if I'm right, and maybe I won't find out for awhile. I have made many breakthroughs over the past seven months, many times I have wondered how I could be so lucky as to be on this path, after all the times I had given up on so much. But there I was, and here I am. I rise every morning and go to bed every night with the same thoughts, feelings and prayers in my head and in my heart. My hopes and dreams are a bit beaten on, but I still hold to them with everything I have. And I can't seem to help it, but I save every quarter just in case.