What a long strange year it's been...

It has been kind of a long year. I've gotten a new job, which I love. I have left that valley life that I actually enjoyed to return home to a life that I enjoy more. I have (mostly) given up trying to be something I'm not. I still have my moments, but hey, I'm working on it, so give me a break. Actually coming to the realization that I'm depressed has actually made it easier to deal with. Or maybe made it easier to let go of the things that weren't doing anything but make me more depressed. Though I don't really want to let go, I never do, but I know I have to. So I'm working on that too.
It's the letting go of the good feelings that's the hard part. So many good memories that are associated with some not so good ones, but to let the past go and get happier, I have to let them be memories. I can't keep trying to relive the great times. They're gone, at least with certain people. I still maintain that no one knows what the future will hold, but hoping for some things is just downright destructive. So I am facing the parts of myself that I have turned away from, in an effort to make everything else a little bit easier.
I have also decided that I am going to write my book already. Maybe not the one I was going to write a year ago, but something a bit more useful for this age. We'll see. Time to get out of my fantastical head and into the present. Time to open my eyes.

Someday

So it's a beautiful morning. No clouds, a little cool, but that will change. Still of course, finding happiness is difficult. I have a great job, good friends, and an awesome day. So why do I have to think about smiling so much? Why is it so difficult just to be happy? If I were some sort of medical professional, I might say it was due to a chemical imbalance, or something like that. Perhaps if I were a nutritionist it might be that my diet is terrible and therefore I don't get all of the things I need. This of course might be leading to the chemical imbalance, but maybe not.
I tend to think it probably doesn't have everything to do with my diet, since I've felt this way for basically all my life, and I know that I have eaten better i nthe past, and have changed how and what I've eaten many times over so that seems unlikely. It probably is just some broken part of my head, something that maybe could be "fixed" with the right kind of treatment, but who wants that? I have managed to survive this long without any of that crap, so why would I start now? Besides, I like knowing that my thoughts are mine, even if many of them are rather sad.
Of course finding happiness and then losing it really doesn't help this mix-up in my head. I know that I must be doing something right to have felt good and happy in relationships, even if so far they haven't been forever lasting. Even the ones that I thought might make it, for one reason or another, just didn't. So I remember these times now, and while there are definitely some very happy memories, (including the moments when I know I fell in love, those are pretty cool), there is overall a sadness now shadowing those memories too.
I still march onward however, towards the next heartache, if that is to be the case. I can't find someone to love forever if I'm not willing to try. Plus how better than to learn to deal with and control the darkness than to give myself more ammunition to fight it with. Even if that means letting it get a bit bigger. Not every moment is going to be a happy one, not every person I meet is going to be someone that will be with me forever. Maybe somewhere in there I can find more of the good friends that have been with me and helped shoulder this burden through the years. Were it not for them, who knows. Maybe I would have run off and dissapeared into the wild a long time ago. Like Thora in Ghost World. Get on a bus and head out of town. Although it being me I probably would have driven myself, but you get the point.
Somewhere is the place I belong. Maybe it's right here. I'm starting to think so at least. And maybe someday soon, I'll run into the person that I'm supposed to be here with. Even if I don't, I'm not worried. Time may be no friend of mine, but it's not an enemy either. I'm finally figuring that out.

Err, Random I guess

So I have a decided distaste for chain letters, they have always seemed rather silly. This being the internet generation however, the traditional chain letter seems to have gone the way of the dodo. That being said, this is basically just one of the new chain letters, the 'tag and copy' questionnaire. And true, I am not a fan of these either. But so what. I'm kinda doing this, only in that I'm not tagging anyone, so therefore breaking the chain. Besides, if I want to know "interesting" things about you, well if you're my friend I probably already do, and if I don't, then I'll ask. Or not. Depends on my mood. Meh.

1. I'll watch sporting events on tv even when I don't particularly care about either of the teams playing. Only sometimes though, assuming there isn't something better on. Also assuming I'm not doing something more interesting.

2. Generally speaking, I just don't care. It takes a lot of energy to care, so I try not to spend it. Which isn't to say that I don't care about anything, I just care a lot about a few particular people and things.

3. The people I do care about, I will do anything for. (This does not include death for reasons of anger, however, it may include death for reason of injury. Just a warning.)

4. Seasonally affected? Yup, that's me. Clouds, cold, rain, color me generally feeling low. Of course, that doesn't mean I always feel great when the weather is nice. More on that later.

5. I really like reading. Even if I don't do it much.

6. Same goes for running. And hiking. Happens more in the warmer days, much easier to get motivated.

7. Social butterfly? Um, no. I do enjoy getting out, hanging out with people and having a good time. Just don't expect me to be all party-go-lucky.

8. I enjoy being alone. Kind of a lot. Lets me focus, and I actually enjoy the social time much more when I get my balance.

9. When do I write? When I'm in the mood. Which granted isn't nearly as often as I used to. But it is my most passionate endeavor.

10. So I'm tired. That does happen kind of a lot too. All that means right now is that I'm about done.

11. About that seasonal thing. That's not exactly true. Really I'm more chronically depressed. Have been for as long as I can remember. If you didn't know this about me, maybe we're not as close as you might have thought we were. Or maybe I'm just better at dealing with it than most. It doesn't mean I need drugs or therapy, all it means is that for me, it takes more effort to enjoy life. But as I said, I do that. I function, I smile, I laugh. It's really not that big of deal. Life is fun, why shouldn't I be enjoying it? It's worth the effort. Meh. ;)

Voyager

It is a beautiful day, sunny at least. Still rather cold out, making it cold in, but no matter. The sun has risen and life goes ever onward. Many years and many moons and many sunrises later, days that meant promise of one kind have faded, lost to time, but there is yet hope. There is a new wind brewing, a new land on the horizon. Having cast off from a distant shore in search of a promise, I am still searching. Many ships have I passed, all searching too. Sometimes we went on together for awhile, sometimes we parted ways before we'd had a chance to truly meet.
I've nearly grounded on rocky shoals sometimes too, come close to meeting my end before finding my peace. But there is open water ahead. Clear and bright, wind in the sails and who knows what lies beyond. Time will tell.

The spoken word

Sometimes there are so many things I want to say, so many things that are left unsaid. Sometimes I'm just scared to let them out, sometimes I just have so much at once I don't know where to start. So many time in my life I have wanted to say the right thing in the perfect moment, and definitely more often that not I have failed to say anything at all. It has long been the bane of my existence to weather this storm of silence, telling those closest to me how I really feel about them.
How much I care for them, how much I appreciate their support and friendship, that indeed I really do love them even if I can never say it. I wish I could say it hasn't happened often, but it has. I wish I could say it won't ever happen again, but it continues to happen every day. More than one person has noticed how difficult it is for me to even say hello, let alone anything else. That in fact is so obvious that it's been put to verse. But for all of my inability to act or speak in a fashion that would be at all helpful to me in virtually any situation, something else has recently come to my attention.
As difficult as it has been for me to say how I feel, something even more worrisome is starting to present itself. I don't know how to say goodbye. To anything. At any given moment I am trapped in high school, standing in the corner of the room, or alone in the dark. Surrounded by friends unable to speak, lost in a cave that seems to have no exit. I can't say goodbye, can't let go, so many things and people that were so important to me are long gone and never coming back, but I am unwilling to say goodbye. I'm hanging on so hard to what I've lost in the hopes that I can keep from losing it.
But I already have, either by my own shortcomings or through no fault of my own, they're gone and not coming back. And there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have to say goodbye, I just really don't want to. I've been able to get along this far without totally letting go of everything, so maybe I have found a way to kind of make it work. Kinda, for now. It just feels a little like letting go of the wonderful memories to say goodbye. I know there's a balance, I just haven't found it yet. Someday... Someday all of this will make sense. Until then...

Perfect Moments

Spending time long gone, far away from here, trying to find myself. Lost and found again and again, too similar had I become, too much the same as I had always been. So away I went, to find some light, find some hope, find myself. I didn't know who I really was, only that I had been trying to live up to my own expectations of what everyone else probably thought I should be. Don't know if they actually felt that way, expected anything of me more than just me. But I tried anyway.
Until that day I finally decided that there was more to me than this. So I found a way, made a new life and through trial, error, happiness and pain, found most of who I wanted to be. For three years I picked and polished, tried many different ways, met new people and had new experiences. Some good, some bad, all worth learning from. I thought I had found some perfection there, but in the end perfection is a little harder to find. I did have perfect moments, good memories that will serve me well as I move forward. Even if the aftermath wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.
More than once I have tried and failed to find that next level, but no matter. I have found more levels than I thought existed since leaving here, even realized that maybe I found I could come home. I found more opportunity and more joy than I had ever believed possible, have built relationships that support me and find me back here now. Friends and loved ones that give me a chance to figure this life out for myself, and find my own way. And indeed for a time it seemed as if all of my sacrifices and struggles had finally paid their full due, in all aspects of my life.
Maybe it is not so much true now, but even if I may not have perfect now, I know it is very close at hand. This puzzle that is my life has been rather difficult to piece together, even harder to keep together at times. But here I stand. I wake up in the morning thankful for my chance to make this the life I want, I fall asleep daring to dream that there will be everything I pray for the next day. I try and remember all of the good and happy moments, re-live every single smile, every touch and every one of those perfect moments.
I don't know if I will wake to find that happiness has returned, but I know someday something like it will come if it doesn't. But if my experiences away have taught me anything, hope and faith are very powerful. So I won't give them up. Maybe I am setting myself p for a fall, but some things are worth believing in, worth praying for, maybe even worth waiting for. Eyes ahead to the future, but fondly remembering the past. And that part of me that won't let it go. Someday...well someday may never come for some things, but someday everything will be just as it should be. My perfect world is out there, maybe closer than I think, maybe closer than I could ever dare to hope for.
Living happy, living free, and living like there might be no tomorrow. All that matters is right now, at this perfect moment. Every single one of them. And hopefully so many more to come.

Embrace

Every time I see your face,
Every time we lovingly embrace,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.

To kiss your lips is divine,
To stand next to you sublime,
In your eyes the world is bright,
When you smile a glimmering light.

You have given me such faith,
In your presence I feel safe,
I give myself to this perfect place,
I dance and sing and win the race.

There is no other place I'd rather be,
No other place where I feel such glee,
Hard to explain this feeling inside,
But it's one I won't try to hide.

I met you on a cold dark night,
Followed you into the light,
Left behind all my doubts and fears,
All that's left now are happy tears.

Every time I hear your voice,
I feel loved and there is no choice,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.