Sunday, December 23, 2007

The End

I can see more of the story now. I still don't know how it ends, what good would that do anyway? Finding my way to that end is the important part. The story I have wanted to write my whole life. The one that has told itself to me in bits and pieces, in dreams and lost moments throughout my existence. I have a climax moment, that moment in the story where it can go either way. I build backwards from there now, working to meet the end with the beginning. Then, what happens next? I have lost faith many times before in the process, in my work, in myself. I seem to get it back every time, but it gets harder now. I feel as though there are forces willing me to fail, trying to stop me from getting to the things and places I want. I know there are same forces aligned with me, fighting against the dark, keeping me from falling to far. Some are obvious, some not so much. But they are there. The end is near now, I can feel it. It is time to write. Time to put everything I am, all that I have left into this. The truest course of my destiny lies at the end of this road. I am certain of it. Every moment, every happiness and all of the pain have lent themselves into crafting this story. I will find my way to the end, whatver that may be.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Feeling strong

I have a good feeling inside. There are a great deal of pain and assorted bad feelings associated with this good feeling. But I am going to hold onto it. It still makes me smile, makes me happy to have this feeling. :) I won't give it up.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The tunnel

So here I am, still going, fighting my way through this thing, this life. Better now, at least by some margin. If the darkness finds me again, I will have to remember to look towards the light. There is one there, faint, distant, but real. I don't know when I'll get there, or what it will be like when I do. But I will get there. It may be a while and it will take a lot of work to return to carefree days and happy thoughts abounding, but they will come. I have faith. I have hope. I have...light. ...

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Darkness

I am scared, lost, terrified actually. But I am still breathing. My heart is still beating. I struggle on, one day, one hour, one minute at a time if I have too. I am not alone. This is hard. More difficult than anything I have ever done. Faltering now, on the edge of the abyss. Trying to hold on desperately to the wall, I have looked down, looked to where the path leads if I fall. Nowhere good, that is a promise. There is more to be gained by fighting through than by giving in, so much more. I know I can hold on. I have to. So much depends on it. Any chance the future may hold relies on what happens now. I survive. I breathe. I live.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Call

BELIEVE So simple, or at least it should be. Believe in myself, believe in others, believe in the possibilities. Open myself to the world, let it all in, let everyone in to see what I really am, but hide the most important ideas thoughts and feelings from them. From everyone. I simply cannot make myself believe that there are those that would welcome this part of me, these things that make me who and what I am. Not just the past and present, not just the hopes and dreams that I feel safe to let out, but all of it. Every piece, every iota of my being that truly feels, truly cares, truly loves.
I hide behind my veil, multi-layered as it has always been. My walls are somehow just as strong as they have ever been, stronger in some ways. I guess I have figured out how best to hide what I want, gotten better at making even myself believe that I was actually open with the world. Open with those I care most about. I know that I haven't been. I tear at myself to try and knock doen these walls, rip and scrape, kick and mash. How do I get through to myself, let this out? I deny myself the chance for freedom from my trials, just so I can say at least I didn't get hurt.
But I have been, continue to be hurt. I force little parts of myself to their near death to try and protect, yet all the while I am killing myself slowly with regret and lost opportunities. I have been burned, so who hasn't? I will be burned again in some way or another, I have no doubt. So what? I cannot continue loving in in this way. Yes that was a typo, no I am not going to change it, because as I thought to, that is the real truth here. I have loved to some degree in my life, never allowed that to find words. I continue to care for and love people in my life and never say it, in any way. What the hell is wrong with me? I love, truly and purely, many people I have known and know now. Don't they deserve to know that? I have been training in the art of love for over a year, and have yet to even partially accept that mentality into my being. I need to spread love, spread it to everyone I meet, but especially to those that I love.
How can I ever hope to have it returned from anyone if I cannot love them first? How will anyone want to spend time and share their love with me if I cannot share my life and love with them. I am not lost, not yet, not ever if I can help it. I only pray I am not so late as I feel I am in this moment. I cannot call to any spirit or god for assistance, I do not have the faith in anything specific enough for that. Even if I did, this is mine. My fight for the entirety of my life, my fight until I die or until I win it. I cannot fail. I cannot fall. I cannot allow that. I will believe in my own strength. I have to. It is all I have.