Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Call

BELIEVE So simple, or at least it should be. Believe in myself, believe in others, believe in the possibilities. Open myself to the world, let it all in, let everyone in to see what I really am, but hide the most important ideas thoughts and feelings from them. From everyone. I simply cannot make myself believe that there are those that would welcome this part of me, these things that make me who and what I am. Not just the past and present, not just the hopes and dreams that I feel safe to let out, but all of it. Every piece, every iota of my being that truly feels, truly cares, truly loves.
I hide behind my veil, multi-layered as it has always been. My walls are somehow just as strong as they have ever been, stronger in some ways. I guess I have figured out how best to hide what I want, gotten better at making even myself believe that I was actually open with the world. Open with those I care most about. I know that I haven't been. I tear at myself to try and knock doen these walls, rip and scrape, kick and mash. How do I get through to myself, let this out? I deny myself the chance for freedom from my trials, just so I can say at least I didn't get hurt.
But I have been, continue to be hurt. I force little parts of myself to their near death to try and protect, yet all the while I am killing myself slowly with regret and lost opportunities. I have been burned, so who hasn't? I will be burned again in some way or another, I have no doubt. So what? I cannot continue loving in in this way. Yes that was a typo, no I am not going to change it, because as I thought to, that is the real truth here. I have loved to some degree in my life, never allowed that to find words. I continue to care for and love people in my life and never say it, in any way. What the hell is wrong with me? I love, truly and purely, many people I have known and know now. Don't they deserve to know that? I have been training in the art of love for over a year, and have yet to even partially accept that mentality into my being. I need to spread love, spread it to everyone I meet, but especially to those that I love.
How can I ever hope to have it returned from anyone if I cannot love them first? How will anyone want to spend time and share their love with me if I cannot share my life and love with them. I am not lost, not yet, not ever if I can help it. I only pray I am not so late as I feel I am in this moment. I cannot call to any spirit or god for assistance, I do not have the faith in anything specific enough for that. Even if I did, this is mine. My fight for the entirety of my life, my fight until I die or until I win it. I cannot fail. I cannot fall. I cannot allow that. I will believe in my own strength. I have to. It is all I have.

No comments: