Monday, November 26, 2007

Live Love Learn

Sing Dance Love Laugh Smile Breathe Explore Love Live Enjoy Believe Learn Endure Hope Love Everyday. Live the life you were made to live, not the one that is expected of you, not the one you think everyone wants you to live. There is only one true path to regret, not living your life. In every one of us is the capacity to be complacent, to go with the flow, to just exist in this space and do and say only the things that we know everyone around us will want and expect, and hold back the parts of us that are true. Hopes and dreams are forgotten simply to live the status quo, have the nice house 2.5 kids and the biggest SUV. Why?
I want to hold onto my dreams as long as I can. I have forgotten too many of them over the years, and as I slowly recapture them, I want to live and experience them. No more trying to fit the mold or suffer what anyone else thinks. I want to live and enjoy this life I have, all of it. I still can't say everything I want to, I admit that.
But I am trying. I am constantly pushing myself to jump into every moment for what it is, and for how I want it to be, not just surviving a melancholy existence.
When am I going to finally completely break my shell? I really don't know. Soon
I think. I'll let you know. Some know the truth, some have an idea that there is more there than I have let on, but the most important ones still have yet to find out. When they know, the shell will be broken, shattered and lost forever. I vowed to someone once that I wouldn't hide anymore, wouldn't hold back my thoughts and feelings. I have been less than fulfilling of this vow, but I think I am forgiven, so long as I live up to it now. I am taking my life back, it started before I realized it, before I really knew that it needed to happen, but it is happening. Faster every day now. Look out world. I'm on the move, and I refuse to stop. You better be ready for the ride.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Passed through

I have lost time, lost friends, lost love. I have had joy and wonder, excitement and pure bliss. I continue to enjoy all of the exciting moments that exist in this life, and every one of the quiet chill spaces that I find the chance to connect with. I have fallen in love with a feeling. It is this feeling of creation, this momentum that carries me from one word to the next, from one thought in my mind to words on a page that I no longer think about. I found my muse again, found out that there really is still something here worth living for and enjoying fully. I cannot duplicate every feeling that I have in those special moments, but through these words and the music I play, I do find something close.
I have found new friends, found that the time I thought I had lost was just waiting around the bend to used more fully, and I know that if I let my heart out, and let myself believe in it enough, I will find love as well. I will find pure feeling, not just something that passes the day. There are moments I will never forget, parts of my past I will look back upon fondly and smile. I will remember those that have gone on, and remember that I am better for having had their blessing in my life. The importance of their existence is simply for too many others to experience for them to remain in mine forever. But there are those I am lucky to still have around, those that remember more about me than I do.
And there are those too new to this vein to have a determined place in it, yet I do have my hopes that the future will continue to find me lucky enough to have them in my life. I have finally learned to say goodbye to some of those that I had hoped never to say it to, and though they are no longer going to journey with me, I will not grieve any longer for the passing. I am whole, I am here, and I will live on stronger for their gifts in my life. I believe in this path, I believe truly I am on the right one and have found along the way those that I hope will remain with me on it. I am looking more and more forward to the journey.

J Willis

I never wanted to be sad, never wanted to say goodbye, but I know now that it was inevitable. Our broken past was just too much for us to repair. So I have said it now, let go of the past, and can finally truly remember only that which has brought me here now fondly. Our arc is complete. I will miss you from time to time, but I will not feel lost without your presence, or as though I need to have vindication from you. You brought joy and peace to my life, in more ways than one. And I thank you. I have thanked you, and will continue to be grateful to you.
I have told you I wished we could go back, but you have declined. And now I respect and will no longer try and change your point of view. I truly hope to hear only good things about you, and for you in the future, for it is all that you are deserving of. You brought me new understanding of my life and what I needed to do to live it more fully. I am continuing on my adventure now. Should we meet again in this life, well, actually, simply good luck to you, may your road be fruitful and full of joy, and may your every dream be fulfilled. This is not for you and I anymore, just for me. We are parted from our path together now. I have found one that I quite like, and look forward to exploring. I hope you have done the same.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

For Coral

It is time. Be free, live joyously. Live fully and without regret, live without saying you're sorry. The whole point is simply to live, that's why we're here. So live.

Staring out this window into yesterday
, Longing for your memory
Back here again I am looking for the beginning
Missing you for far too long, those moments lost to time
The pieces of my heart have belonged to you for so long.

So long gone, too many times I have cried and tried to forget you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, missed my chance to tell you
How could I have known our time was over?
How could I have known until you'd gone?

From far away my past still lives, Finding it's way to my heart
Living is easier now than it was back then
I found a way to move past the pain and found a new life
My heart can breathe again warming in this new sun

So long gone, too many times I have cried and tried to forget you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, missed my chance to tell you
How could I have known it would end so soon?
How could I have known until you'd gone?

I made a pact with your memory, made a deal for my very soul
Now here I lie tortured no more, saved from this life sentence
Somehow you brought me back, Thank you for your patience

So long sadness and tears, no more crying for you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, now I see so clearly, now I can tell you,
I loved, I love, and will love again
How could I have known you would save me?

Thank you for saving me...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Beauty of the Rain

A soft face filled with light, bright eyes that hold every emotion all at once, showing the truth behind all of my misgivings. So alone and lost, then finding my way back again, all in a moment, all in those eyes. I long for that moment. I find in it ultimate joy and happiness, and although there are glimpses of sadness, I will not trade them. I see more about myself in those moments than I care to admit. But I am no longer afraid. I am liberated.
My heart aches and burns, yearns and cries, lived and dies in those moments. I am most sure of who I am there, lost, filled with a sense of time that is indescribable. My first and last thoughts are of her, I know that no matter where I go this will be true. She is my mirror. Through her I see everything that my life is. In her I see everything that my life is to be. And it makes me happy. Who could possibly know this excitement and peace all at once. I never thought anything like this feeling could be had. I dive into myself and find depths untouched in many years.
I come back to the surface and bring more of myself with me every time. These eyes, portholes to the soul, both of ours. The light illuminating all the dark corners of mine and showing me again all that is within to be seen. I am whole, truly. Inside of my being is one whole, complete being that has longed to be awoken and free again, and now is that time. I find joy in those sparkling eyes and smiling face. I find happiness and an unknown emotion, something wonderful and grand. I am warmed by it. I am alive. What an awesome moment.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

A starry night...well it coulda been one anyway

"Bon appetit."
"Merci, good sir." Dinner was most elegant that evening, something they hadn't enjoyed together in far too long. "I want to know all about your trip. Tell me why you were gone so long again?" He missed her questioning, she always wanted to know more, know everything, never satisfied. He loved it. Made him feel wanted and necessary, somehow it had never been enough before, but now it was all he wanted.
"Well, cavorting through Europe just isn't actually as much fun as you might think, especially when you're working as hard as we were." He said this with a smile, and she giggled a little, his pechant for stretching the truth slightly no longer fooled her, and he knew it. "Allright, so maybe we had a little bit of fun along the way, but it really was a lot of work. I don't think we spent more than two days anywhere the whole time, went back and forth to places several times, but never for very long. Driving, flying, riding the train, that part was actually pretty nice, the countryside is so beautiful, so clean. And for the most part everyone was incredibly nice. Maybe it was the guys being who they were, but even out alone, no one knowing who I worked for, I saw so many smiles and found so many helpful people. Of course, not knowing what they were saying half the time they could have been saying anything behind those smiles, but it seemed nice enough."
Yes I'm doing it again, more to come, this part of the story isn't quite ready yet. He's having a good time at the moment, give him a break. :)