Monday, September 22, 2008

The fight... ignore this... just my mission

So why is it that it seems one can never have everything one wants at once? Would it be too much to bear? Too much to handle? Is there such a thing as too much happiness? I don't really think so, though since I can't recall the last time I felt that happy I can't really say. I do know that there are many things in my life that I am very happy about, very fortunate to have going for me, and I am thankful. I have worked very hard for a long time to be able to have the kind of job opportunity I am now getting and I know that without all of the crappy days at every one of my jobs that I never would be where I am now. An incredible opportunity, a great new start on what will hopefully be my second real career, after my production years, now I get a chance to do something new and exciting and different, though without all of my previous experiences I probably couldn't have even gotten this chance let alone have a chance of making it work.
But I know it will work. I look forward to the challenge of everyday, and also to being better able to define what I do to anyone who asks at some point in the future, but for now it is a lot of different things, in a place close to home. So I have a new job, I have a place to live, I have family and friends that support me no matter what I do, and are very happy for me as I move forward. It's still hard though. Moving forward. It is scary, and almost overwhelming at times. So much easier with support than it could ever be without.
I just miss some of that. I can't celebrate the way I had planned, can't bask in my unimaginable good fortune. There is something missing. I know what that something is, but I can't seem to get a hold of it. I am trying, even though I really don't know how. But I haven't lost hope. There have been times in my life when I have and this is not one of them. Times when I gave up and without my friends I might never have recovered. But not this time. While I have made it this far (and it certainly hasn't been alone) I won't be giving up now. Too much faith has been laid upon me be my friends throughout the years, too many promises made to go down without fighting now.
So I look forward to my new career, my new life and everything that comes with it. I look forward to the challenge of making the best of my life that I can. And I look forward to the fight for that which I want most. I don't really know how to, having only done it twice in my life, but I pray now. To who or what exactly I cannot tell, but I pray that what I truly desire, more than I have ever before, gives me another chance to prove it. I know I will be successful in life, that is no longer a question. I will become the person I have endeavored to become.
That's the reason I moved to Sac in the first place, to find myself. Over the last three years, I have done just that. One thing I did not really realize until now however was that I was not just finding myself, I was finding the person I wanted to become. And I have found him. And that person, this person, won't give up on what he wants. I will say my prayers, hold onto my dreams, and fight to live and dance another day every day.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Falling apart and dreaming

So maybe I haven't written in a while. Or maybe I have, and just haven't done so publicly. Either way, it has been quite some time since I visited this place, too long. I am at yet another crossroads in my life, where only days ago everything seemed perfect and set and it looked as though my little life was expanding and moving and becoming everything that I had always wanted it to be. I can see the path of enlightenment, as it were. There has often been this dread in my life, waiting for the bad thing to happen when things were going even remotely okay, but not lately. I feel very lucky to have had such a time of clarity and enjoyment, such of time of focus not only on right now, but on my future and what I really want from it.
I still know what I want, or at least I have a much better handle on it than I did six or seven months ago. Sadly right now I am not the least bit sure if I will get what I want. For those that know me best, it is yet again that time of trial. I'm not sure exactly what the trial is this time, but I am hoping it is only one of patience. Maybe what I want is still there, maybe if I can just be patient enough to wait for it. Maybe I'm not ready for what I think I want. Maybe I need to be patient with myself for a while first and then I'll be ready for it. I don't know.
I still feel like I'm closing in on something extraordinary. I still think I know what that is. I pray every day that I am right because I'm kinda tired of searching for it. Maybe no one know if I'm right, and maybe I won't find out for awhile. I have made many breakthroughs over the past seven months, many times I have wondered how I could be so lucky as to be on this path, after all the times I had given up on so much. But there I was, and here I am. I rise every morning and go to bed every night with the same thoughts, feelings and prayers in my head and in my heart. My hopes and dreams are a bit beaten on, but I still hold to them with everything I have. And I can't seem to help it, but I save every quarter just in case.