Monday, December 29, 2008


It is a beautiful day, sunny at least. Still rather cold out, making it cold in, but no matter. The sun has risen and life goes ever onward. Many years and many moons and many sunrises later, days that meant promise of one kind have faded, lost to time, but there is yet hope. There is a new wind brewing, a new land on the horizon. Having cast off from a distant shore in search of a promise, I am still searching. Many ships have I passed, all searching too. Sometimes we went on together for awhile, sometimes we parted ways before we'd had a chance to truly meet.
I've nearly grounded on rocky shoals sometimes too, come close to meeting my end before finding my peace. But there is open water ahead. Clear and bright, wind in the sails and who knows what lies beyond. Time will tell.

Friday, December 26, 2008

The spoken word

Sometimes there are so many things I want to say, so many things that are left unsaid. Sometimes I'm just scared to let them out, sometimes I just have so much at once I don't know where to start. So many time in my life I have wanted to say the right thing in the perfect moment, and definitely more often that not I have failed to say anything at all. It has long been the bane of my existence to weather this storm of silence, telling those closest to me how I really feel about them.
How much I care for them, how much I appreciate their support and friendship, that indeed I really do love them even if I can never say it. I wish I could say it hasn't happened often, but it has. I wish I could say it won't ever happen again, but it continues to happen every day. More than one person has noticed how difficult it is for me to even say hello, let alone anything else. That in fact is so obvious that it's been put to verse. But for all of my inability to act or speak in a fashion that would be at all helpful to me in virtually any situation, something else has recently come to my attention.
As difficult as it has been for me to say how I feel, something even more worrisome is starting to present itself. I don't know how to say goodbye. To anything. At any given moment I am trapped in high school, standing in the corner of the room, or alone in the dark. Surrounded by friends unable to speak, lost in a cave that seems to have no exit. I can't say goodbye, can't let go, so many things and people that were so important to me are long gone and never coming back, but I am unwilling to say goodbye. I'm hanging on so hard to what I've lost in the hopes that I can keep from losing it.
But I already have, either by my own shortcomings or through no fault of my own, they're gone and not coming back. And there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have to say goodbye, I just really don't want to. I've been able to get along this far without totally letting go of everything, so maybe I have found a way to kind of make it work. Kinda, for now. It just feels a little like letting go of the wonderful memories to say goodbye. I know there's a balance, I just haven't found it yet. Someday... Someday all of this will make sense. Until then...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Perfect Moments

Spending time long gone, far away from here, trying to find myself. Lost and found again and again, too similar had I become, too much the same as I had always been. So away I went, to find some light, find some hope, find myself. I didn't know who I really was, only that I had been trying to live up to my own expectations of what everyone else probably thought I should be. Don't know if they actually felt that way, expected anything of me more than just me. But I tried anyway.
Until that day I finally decided that there was more to me than this. So I found a way, made a new life and through trial, error, happiness and pain, found most of who I wanted to be. For three years I picked and polished, tried many different ways, met new people and had new experiences. Some good, some bad, all worth learning from. I thought I had found some perfection there, but in the end perfection is a little harder to find. I did have perfect moments, good memories that will serve me well as I move forward. Even if the aftermath wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.
More than once I have tried and failed to find that next level, but no matter. I have found more levels than I thought existed since leaving here, even realized that maybe I found I could come home. I found more opportunity and more joy than I had ever believed possible, have built relationships that support me and find me back here now. Friends and loved ones that give me a chance to figure this life out for myself, and find my own way. And indeed for a time it seemed as if all of my sacrifices and struggles had finally paid their full due, in all aspects of my life.
Maybe it is not so much true now, but even if I may not have perfect now, I know it is very close at hand. This puzzle that is my life has been rather difficult to piece together, even harder to keep together at times. But here I stand. I wake up in the morning thankful for my chance to make this the life I want, I fall asleep daring to dream that there will be everything I pray for the next day. I try and remember all of the good and happy moments, re-live every single smile, every touch and every one of those perfect moments.
I don't know if I will wake to find that happiness has returned, but I know someday something like it will come if it doesn't. But if my experiences away have taught me anything, hope and faith are very powerful. So I won't give them up. Maybe I am setting myself p for a fall, but some things are worth believing in, worth praying for, maybe even worth waiting for. Eyes ahead to the future, but fondly remembering the past. And that part of me that won't let it go. Someday...well someday may never come for some things, but someday everything will be just as it should be. My perfect world is out there, maybe closer than I think, maybe closer than I could ever dare to hope for.
Living happy, living free, and living like there might be no tomorrow. All that matters is right now, at this perfect moment. Every single one of them. And hopefully so many more to come.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Every time I see your face,
Every time we lovingly embrace,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.

To kiss your lips is divine,
To stand next to you sublime,
In your eyes the world is bright,
When you smile a glimmering light.

You have given me such faith,
In your presence I feel safe,

I give myself to this perfect place,
I dance and sing and win the race.

There is no other place I'd rather be,
No other place where I feel such glee,
Hard to explain this feeling inside,
But it's one I won't try to hide.

I met you on a cold dark night,
Followed you into the light,
Left behind all my doubts and fears,
All that's left now are happy tears.

Every time I hear your voice,
I feel loved and there is no choice,
I feel alive, at home and free,
That is what you mean to me.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Whirlwind

I am so freakin exhausted. Body mind and soul are drained, it feels as though I have nothing left. I have spent the last few weeks on an emotional roller coaster, which of course would be trouble enough, but in addition I'm dealing with having had my last workday in Sac today, getting ready to move out of here in the next two days, and start my new life and career in four short days from now. I wish I could say I'm surprised I'm even awake right now, but seeing as I haven't been getting much sleep over the last few weeks and increasingly over the last few days, no surprises.
Somehow I'm muddling through, and I know that once the transition is made I can begin to settle a bit and things should hopefully get a bit easier. Then all I have to worry about is getting my emotions back on track, which of course may be easier said than done, but at least I will have removed some of the stress forces in my life and so at least it might make things a little bit simpler. I think I am going to try that sleeping thing, it sounds like a good idea at any rate. Plus I do have a crapload of stuff to do tomorrow, so the earlier to bed, maybe the more sleep I get and maybe I can actually get everything done.
Maybe I'll try and take a nap tomorrow. That might help a bit too. That and getting my throat to feel normal again. So many things... but a nap does sound good.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The fight... ignore this... just my mission

So why is it that it seems one can never have everything one wants at once? Would it be too much to bear? Too much to handle? Is there such a thing as too much happiness? I don't really think so, though since I can't recall the last time I felt that happy I can't really say. I do know that there are many things in my life that I am very happy about, very fortunate to have going for me, and I am thankful. I have worked very hard for a long time to be able to have the kind of job opportunity I am now getting and I know that without all of the crappy days at every one of my jobs that I never would be where I am now. An incredible opportunity, a great new start on what will hopefully be my second real career, after my production years, now I get a chance to do something new and exciting and different, though without all of my previous experiences I probably couldn't have even gotten this chance let alone have a chance of making it work.
But I know it will work. I look forward to the challenge of everyday, and also to being better able to define what I do to anyone who asks at some point in the future, but for now it is a lot of different things, in a place close to home. So I have a new job, I have a place to live, I have family and friends that support me no matter what I do, and are very happy for me as I move forward. It's still hard though. Moving forward. It is scary, and almost overwhelming at times. So much easier with support than it could ever be without.
I just miss some of that. I can't celebrate the way I had planned, can't bask in my unimaginable good fortune. There is something missing. I know what that something is, but I can't seem to get a hold of it. I am trying, even though I really don't know how. But I haven't lost hope. There have been times in my life when I have and this is not one of them. Times when I gave up and without my friends I might never have recovered. But not this time. While I have made it this far (and it certainly hasn't been alone) I won't be giving up now. Too much faith has been laid upon me be my friends throughout the years, too many promises made to go down without fighting now.
So I look forward to my new career, my new life and everything that comes with it. I look forward to the challenge of making the best of my life that I can. And I look forward to the fight for that which I want most. I don't really know how to, having only done it twice in my life, but I pray now. To who or what exactly I cannot tell, but I pray that what I truly desire, more than I have ever before, gives me another chance to prove it. I know I will be successful in life, that is no longer a question. I will become the person I have endeavored to become.
That's the reason I moved to Sac in the first place, to find myself. Over the last three years, I have done just that. One thing I did not really realize until now however was that I was not just finding myself, I was finding the person I wanted to become. And I have found him. And that person, this person, won't give up on what he wants. I will say my prayers, hold onto my dreams, and fight to live and dance another day every day.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Falling apart and dreaming

So maybe I haven't written in a while. Or maybe I have, and just haven't done so publicly. Either way, it has been quite some time since I visited this place, too long. I am at yet another crossroads in my life, where only days ago everything seemed perfect and set and it looked as though my little life was expanding and moving and becoming everything that I had always wanted it to be. I can see the path of enlightenment, as it were. There has often been this dread in my life, waiting for the bad thing to happen when things were going even remotely okay, but not lately. I feel very lucky to have had such a time of clarity and enjoyment, such of time of focus not only on right now, but on my future and what I really want from it.
I still know what I want, or at least I have a much better handle on it than I did six or seven months ago. Sadly right now I am not the least bit sure if I will get what I want. For those that know me best, it is yet again that time of trial. I'm not sure exactly what the trial is this time, but I am hoping it is only one of patience. Maybe what I want is still there, maybe if I can just be patient enough to wait for it. Maybe I'm not ready for what I think I want. Maybe I need to be patient with myself for a while first and then I'll be ready for it. I don't know.
I still feel like I'm closing in on something extraordinary. I still think I know what that is. I pray every day that I am right because I'm kinda tired of searching for it. Maybe no one know if I'm right, and maybe I won't find out for awhile. I have made many breakthroughs over the past seven months, many times I have wondered how I could be so lucky as to be on this path, after all the times I had given up on so much. But there I was, and here I am. I rise every morning and go to bed every night with the same thoughts, feelings and prayers in my head and in my heart. My hopes and dreams are a bit beaten on, but I still hold to them with everything I have. And I can't seem to help it, but I save every quarter just in case.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Something more

So it's been a while. The last few weeks have been eventful and wonderful and I have grown, experienced, and understand so much more now than I did such a short time ago. I have been through the wringer from time to time in my life, been out of sorts with the world and been on the edge of the abyss more times than I care to remember. The best part of the abyss by the way, is the view. It's so much easier to see what's going on in your world when you can actually stand at one end of it and see it all at once.
I went there again not too long ago, tried to find the truth in what I had been missing, figure out what it was that I must be doing wrong in my life, but as it turns out, I wasn't really doing anything wrong, I was just being somewhat ineffective in my approach to some of the aspects of my life. None of my recent understanding is however meant to preclude the idea that at points I am sure I will still screw up at this or that, but hopefully at least those failures will be less extreme and leave smaller ripples.
But for now, there is good, and happy, and smiles every day. And often every day. I have been enjoying the moment, looking forward to the next, and loving every minute of it. Even the broken moments are still good, the pain not so bad as to overwhelm the enjoyment that I have gained from living so fully in these recent days. I have been listening to some of the music that had gotten me inspired again recently, and so many of the words are finding new meaning for me now. One lyric in particular, from some friends of mine. I hope they don't mind me borrowing them to try and make a point of how I feel.

But I feel I'm closing in
When I breathe out and in
When I see your smile in the morning
I'm closing in

Every day is brighter, every moment means more to me, and every morning I awake feeling as though the day will be the best yet. I smile for all that I have and do not worry for anything that I may not have. I have all that I need, all that I want already. What could be better than that?

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Just a little somethin.

Something I found on a bathroom wall a few years back, thought it was very true at the time, and every time I have seen it since, it seems ever more true.

Some People

Some people come into our lives and quietly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

I love this. Makes a lot of sense of everything. Basically for me it means cherish every day you have with the people in your life, and cherish the good memories and what they left behind when they're gone.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Finding Soul

Be brilliant, be brave, be your own hero.
Be aware, be courageous, be who you were meant to be.
Don't just dance, play and sing because you should.
Dance, play and sing because you want to live big.

Grow old, grow wise, grow to love every minute.
Strive to be not perfect, but to be your best self.
Embrace who you are, and love every piece.
Give yourself the chance to make a mistake, and learn from it.

Love where you are, who you are and where you're going.
If you don't, change only to find your own happiness, no one else's.
Remember to say I love you when you feel it, and to say goodbye when it's time.
Take advantage of the opportunity to have that perfect moment.

Love yourself, love your friends, love your world.
Love everything and everyone, you will find it returned to you over and over.

With every breath...

For years, throughout the scattered memories of my entire life, I have only ever truly wanted one thing. Even when I didn't know how to express it, or even before I knew what it was, it was there. I have wanted other things too, to travel, to write, to live simply. But love, become completely enthralled by the presence of someone else and give do or say whatever it took to find happiness with that person, this has been my one true desire.
And it still was, even more so over the last few months, at least until a few days ago. Dawning realizations that have led me to see more of my own soul, more of my own heart, have made me question my motives. I have known love, both cruel and kind, have known the value of true friendship and understand more fully every day what it means to have people in my life that I can always count on, always be there for me as I have tried to always be there for them.
Basically, I have realized that I don't actually know what I want. I know I want this, my voice, my words on the page, and while it took some incredible joy and sadness to find it again, it lives still in me, gives me more of myself every time I put my thoughts into form. I am without substance when I cannot write, and having regained this after so long, I know it is actually what I wanted all along. This ability to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words that I can't begin to hope to convey while talking.
I was told long ago by someone that I "look like I need to write". So I started doing it. Just standard journal type stuff at first, but somewhere, sometime more started happening. Everything I felt and the relationships I shared with other people grew in my imagination, grew to mean more in my dreams. I found so many stories in my head that I couldn't get them all down. I wrote stories about life, love and loss. I still write them now. My oldest story still calls to me for more. It is based so long ago that I don't know if I can do it justice going back to it now.
But there are new stories as well, more in my life and more that has happened than I ever thought might, so many new stories and thoughts and fears, more fear than I knew I had. It strengthens me though, gives me something to work with and work on. For four months I knew exactly what I wanted next. I knew if not exactly where my life would lead, at least the friends I would be spending it with. Now I'm not so sure anymore, not so sure about who I want on this journey with me. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. Was more certain of it than I had ever been of anything before.
This new year has brought many changes, and while many have been less than welcome, they have all been positive. I know how to live, maybe for the first time, on my own two feet. I can take all I have known, not just what is happening right now, and transform it into a new story. I can look back on what I have had and smile, and be thankful. I no longer need only the lipstick. There is more around the corner. One step, one story at a time.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

For A Pessimist, ...

So while I am hoping not to jinx anything, I have been doing awesomely well the last few days, coming to some long awaited realizations helps. I actually found the key I was looking for, and it has been so amazingly liberating. I may have a shot at this life thing yet! ;-) So what if things are the way they are? I have reclaimed my faith, my passion, and now I can redirect it all in positive and forward thinking directions. Back to work, back to enjoying life, back to being hungry again. Imagine that.
Optimism has reclaimed it's place in the world. Whoo! This is gonna be fun.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Letting go...

So I swear, I do have lots of happy thoughts these days, plenty of happy moments. Just not so many that I write about. I have a happy thought right now in fact, but not one that I am willing to share. Sorry. This is about someone else. Someone that I am desperately trying to get over. She doesn't have a clue I think how much she affected me, how deep my feelings run. I never had the chance to tell her that part. She was gone before I could get it out.
As much as I like to think that I have or at least will move past this, it is actually alot harder than I thought. My world had been opened up in so many ways, and thankfully at least I haven't lost that. I can do this again, still plugging away. All I need now is to figure out how to get over her so I can move on to the next great thing. Any ideas? I heard this line in a movie that you can't fall out of love with someone until you have something else to fall in to. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't. I'd like to think that you can have a part of the people that have been in your heart always with you, and still love someone new with every part of your soul. I think this is possible, at least I really need it to be possible.
There is more than one person that has a piece of my heart, and I feel as though their memories are giving me strength for the future, and not holding me back from loving anyone else completely. It is unlikely to me that anyone of consequence in this matter will ever read this, which is why I think I can get away with writing it. I may never be able to tell her how I fell, how I still feel. But maybe this way I can let it out and get on with things. I can't stay here forever. It doesn't get me anywhere. Still have that happy thought by the way. :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


So maybe everything hasn't worked to the plan. Or even close to the plan. Oh well. I guess we can't always get what we want. Not that all hope is lost necessarily, but I am not looking back anymore. Only forward, on to the next adventure. Maybe someday all will be said and known, maybe I will understand the past. But if not, well, it's the past. It's over. Sometimes it just has to be. I have alot to look forward to though, much more than I realized just a few weeks ago. So here goes everything.
Goodbye past, hello present. Onwards to all that is out there. Here I go again.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Perfect? Who needs perfect?

I may never be a millionaire, I may never have a fancy car, huge house, or a perfect vocabulary.
I may never be able to run a marathon, I may never be able to bench press a car, or even repair one for that matter.
I may be terribly boring, I might be incredibly ridiculous, and I just might be painfully shy.
I may never fit in with the crowd, I might never fit in with you friends, and I might just drive you crazy.
I will never be perfect, I might never be everything you ever hoped for, but I will promise one thing.
I promise to cherish every minute with you.
I promise to try every day to do everything I can to make your life wonderful.
I promise to give everything I am and everything I am not to you.
I promise to never give up on you, on me, or on us.
I promise that I will never be perfect, but I will never let that get in the way of loving you with all of my heart.

All the good ones live this way I think. At least in my experience.
(Men and women, just so you're not getting offended.)
Who needs perfection, right? Just a thought. :-)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Into The Wilderness

So I am toying with some new ideas, some old ones, and trying to find a way to merge them all together into something cohesive and meaningful. This whole book thing comes in fits and spurts, sometimes a random thought kicking off a paragraph or two, sometimes a song morphing it's way into a page. It's the letting go of everything long enough to just write that is really the hard part. Someday it might be easier. Or maybe not, never has been that easy, so why start now?
Oh well, the good stuff is coming, even if I have to fight it out to get it onto the page. It is a lot easier now than it was. I started again to distract from life, and realized that I was actually living the part of my life that I had been distracted from by everthing and everyone around me. Or at least distracted by what I thought was the most important thing going at the time. There are definitely people and relationships that are important for me to spend time in, and are actually not distracting, but invigorating. The words flow simpler around them. Kind of hard to write and conversate at the same time though. But it might be worth looking into practicing on, could lead to something great.
So hopefully soon I will have a piece that I can share, but as nothing is remotely to that stage yet, ya'll will just have to wait. (I know, you're just dying to see it, aren't you?) Soon...I hope.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

The Dream

So I had this dream that led to a revelation a few mornings ago. Basically the dream boiled down to a perfect moment in the spotlight surrounded by friends, and suddenly everything stopped. Time, space, whatever, and what I can only describe as a presence appeared before me and offered me a chance. The chance to go back, to maybe change the way I had lived a recent part of my life. Of course my first thought was to jump up and down screaming yes of course I would, but that only lasted for a moment.
I stopped, thought about everything that had happened. I nearly drowned under a wave of pain and sadness, nearly lost myself in all of this. But in between, I reached out to many people. New friends made like old ones, and old ones made closer than ever. Some brand new friends as well. I thought about how all of this would be lost, thought about that perfect moment I was living that would never have happened either. And I realized what all of these people meant to me. How much they have given to my life, how much more I might be able to give them now than I ever could have before.
I looked into my heart, felt all of the pain come back, and as much as I wanted to be able to make it go away, I couldn't. What I would now have to give up for the possibility of the past was too great. I chose to let the chance pass, and move forward. I chose to let go, and get on with living the life in front of me, not the one behind. And that is the choice I have made. It will not always be easy, but when is life easy? The past is over, whatever happens now is the present, this is what matters. What I do from here on. Not what I did or didn't do before. I can't change it, and even if I could, I won't. Moving on. And living on.