Friday, December 26, 2008

The spoken word

Sometimes there are so many things I want to say, so many things that are left unsaid. Sometimes I'm just scared to let them out, sometimes I just have so much at once I don't know where to start. So many time in my life I have wanted to say the right thing in the perfect moment, and definitely more often that not I have failed to say anything at all. It has long been the bane of my existence to weather this storm of silence, telling those closest to me how I really feel about them.
How much I care for them, how much I appreciate their support and friendship, that indeed I really do love them even if I can never say it. I wish I could say it hasn't happened often, but it has. I wish I could say it won't ever happen again, but it continues to happen every day. More than one person has noticed how difficult it is for me to even say hello, let alone anything else. That in fact is so obvious that it's been put to verse. But for all of my inability to act or speak in a fashion that would be at all helpful to me in virtually any situation, something else has recently come to my attention.
As difficult as it has been for me to say how I feel, something even more worrisome is starting to present itself. I don't know how to say goodbye. To anything. At any given moment I am trapped in high school, standing in the corner of the room, or alone in the dark. Surrounded by friends unable to speak, lost in a cave that seems to have no exit. I can't say goodbye, can't let go, so many things and people that were so important to me are long gone and never coming back, but I am unwilling to say goodbye. I'm hanging on so hard to what I've lost in the hopes that I can keep from losing it.
But I already have, either by my own shortcomings or through no fault of my own, they're gone and not coming back. And there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have to say goodbye, I just really don't want to. I've been able to get along this far without totally letting go of everything, so maybe I have found a way to kind of make it work. Kinda, for now. It just feels a little like letting go of the wonderful memories to say goodbye. I know there's a balance, I just haven't found it yet. Someday... Someday all of this will make sense. Until then...

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