Sunday, December 23, 2007

The End

I can see more of the story now. I still don't know how it ends, what good would that do anyway? Finding my way to that end is the important part. The story I have wanted to write my whole life. The one that has told itself to me in bits and pieces, in dreams and lost moments throughout my existence. I have a climax moment, that moment in the story where it can go either way. I build backwards from there now, working to meet the end with the beginning. Then, what happens next? I have lost faith many times before in the process, in my work, in myself. I seem to get it back every time, but it gets harder now. I feel as though there are forces willing me to fail, trying to stop me from getting to the things and places I want. I know there are same forces aligned with me, fighting against the dark, keeping me from falling to far. Some are obvious, some not so much. But they are there. The end is near now, I can feel it. It is time to write. Time to put everything I am, all that I have left into this. The truest course of my destiny lies at the end of this road. I am certain of it. Every moment, every happiness and all of the pain have lent themselves into crafting this story. I will find my way to the end, whatver that may be.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Feeling strong

I have a good feeling inside. There are a great deal of pain and assorted bad feelings associated with this good feeling. But I am going to hold onto it. It still makes me smile, makes me happy to have this feeling. :) I won't give it up.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The tunnel

So here I am, still going, fighting my way through this thing, this life. Better now, at least by some margin. If the darkness finds me again, I will have to remember to look towards the light. There is one there, faint, distant, but real. I don't know when I'll get there, or what it will be like when I do. But I will get there. It may be a while and it will take a lot of work to return to carefree days and happy thoughts abounding, but they will come. I have faith. I have hope. I have...light. ...

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Darkness

I am scared, lost, terrified actually. But I am still breathing. My heart is still beating. I struggle on, one day, one hour, one minute at a time if I have too. I am not alone. This is hard. More difficult than anything I have ever done. Faltering now, on the edge of the abyss. Trying to hold on desperately to the wall, I have looked down, looked to where the path leads if I fall. Nowhere good, that is a promise. There is more to be gained by fighting through than by giving in, so much more. I know I can hold on. I have to. So much depends on it. Any chance the future may hold relies on what happens now. I survive. I breathe. I live.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Call

BELIEVE So simple, or at least it should be. Believe in myself, believe in others, believe in the possibilities. Open myself to the world, let it all in, let everyone in to see what I really am, but hide the most important ideas thoughts and feelings from them. From everyone. I simply cannot make myself believe that there are those that would welcome this part of me, these things that make me who and what I am. Not just the past and present, not just the hopes and dreams that I feel safe to let out, but all of it. Every piece, every iota of my being that truly feels, truly cares, truly loves.
I hide behind my veil, multi-layered as it has always been. My walls are somehow just as strong as they have ever been, stronger in some ways. I guess I have figured out how best to hide what I want, gotten better at making even myself believe that I was actually open with the world. Open with those I care most about. I know that I haven't been. I tear at myself to try and knock doen these walls, rip and scrape, kick and mash. How do I get through to myself, let this out? I deny myself the chance for freedom from my trials, just so I can say at least I didn't get hurt.
But I have been, continue to be hurt. I force little parts of myself to their near death to try and protect, yet all the while I am killing myself slowly with regret and lost opportunities. I have been burned, so who hasn't? I will be burned again in some way or another, I have no doubt. So what? I cannot continue loving in in this way. Yes that was a typo, no I am not going to change it, because as I thought to, that is the real truth here. I have loved to some degree in my life, never allowed that to find words. I continue to care for and love people in my life and never say it, in any way. What the hell is wrong with me? I love, truly and purely, many people I have known and know now. Don't they deserve to know that? I have been training in the art of love for over a year, and have yet to even partially accept that mentality into my being. I need to spread love, spread it to everyone I meet, but especially to those that I love.
How can I ever hope to have it returned from anyone if I cannot love them first? How will anyone want to spend time and share their love with me if I cannot share my life and love with them. I am not lost, not yet, not ever if I can help it. I only pray I am not so late as I feel I am in this moment. I cannot call to any spirit or god for assistance, I do not have the faith in anything specific enough for that. Even if I did, this is mine. My fight for the entirety of my life, my fight until I die or until I win it. I cannot fail. I cannot fall. I cannot allow that. I will believe in my own strength. I have to. It is all I have.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Live Love Learn

Sing Dance Love Laugh Smile Breathe Explore Love Live Enjoy Believe Learn Endure Hope Love Everyday. Live the life you were made to live, not the one that is expected of you, not the one you think everyone wants you to live. There is only one true path to regret, not living your life. In every one of us is the capacity to be complacent, to go with the flow, to just exist in this space and do and say only the things that we know everyone around us will want and expect, and hold back the parts of us that are true. Hopes and dreams are forgotten simply to live the status quo, have the nice house 2.5 kids and the biggest SUV. Why?
I want to hold onto my dreams as long as I can. I have forgotten too many of them over the years, and as I slowly recapture them, I want to live and experience them. No more trying to fit the mold or suffer what anyone else thinks. I want to live and enjoy this life I have, all of it. I still can't say everything I want to, I admit that.
But I am trying. I am constantly pushing myself to jump into every moment for what it is, and for how I want it to be, not just surviving a melancholy existence.
When am I going to finally completely break my shell? I really don't know. Soon
I think. I'll let you know. Some know the truth, some have an idea that there is more there than I have let on, but the most important ones still have yet to find out. When they know, the shell will be broken, shattered and lost forever. I vowed to someone once that I wouldn't hide anymore, wouldn't hold back my thoughts and feelings. I have been less than fulfilling of this vow, but I think I am forgiven, so long as I live up to it now. I am taking my life back, it started before I realized it, before I really knew that it needed to happen, but it is happening. Faster every day now. Look out world. I'm on the move, and I refuse to stop. You better be ready for the ride.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Passed through

I have lost time, lost friends, lost love. I have had joy and wonder, excitement and pure bliss. I continue to enjoy all of the exciting moments that exist in this life, and every one of the quiet chill spaces that I find the chance to connect with. I have fallen in love with a feeling. It is this feeling of creation, this momentum that carries me from one word to the next, from one thought in my mind to words on a page that I no longer think about. I found my muse again, found out that there really is still something here worth living for and enjoying fully. I cannot duplicate every feeling that I have in those special moments, but through these words and the music I play, I do find something close.
I have found new friends, found that the time I thought I had lost was just waiting around the bend to used more fully, and I know that if I let my heart out, and let myself believe in it enough, I will find love as well. I will find pure feeling, not just something that passes the day. There are moments I will never forget, parts of my past I will look back upon fondly and smile. I will remember those that have gone on, and remember that I am better for having had their blessing in my life. The importance of their existence is simply for too many others to experience for them to remain in mine forever. But there are those I am lucky to still have around, those that remember more about me than I do.
And there are those too new to this vein to have a determined place in it, yet I do have my hopes that the future will continue to find me lucky enough to have them in my life. I have finally learned to say goodbye to some of those that I had hoped never to say it to, and though they are no longer going to journey with me, I will not grieve any longer for the passing. I am whole, I am here, and I will live on stronger for their gifts in my life. I believe in this path, I believe truly I am on the right one and have found along the way those that I hope will remain with me on it. I am looking more and more forward to the journey.

J Willis

I never wanted to be sad, never wanted to say goodbye, but I know now that it was inevitable. Our broken past was just too much for us to repair. So I have said it now, let go of the past, and can finally truly remember only that which has brought me here now fondly. Our arc is complete. I will miss you from time to time, but I will not feel lost without your presence, or as though I need to have vindication from you. You brought joy and peace to my life, in more ways than one. And I thank you. I have thanked you, and will continue to be grateful to you.
I have told you I wished we could go back, but you have declined. And now I respect and will no longer try and change your point of view. I truly hope to hear only good things about you, and for you in the future, for it is all that you are deserving of. You brought me new understanding of my life and what I needed to do to live it more fully. I am continuing on my adventure now. Should we meet again in this life, well, actually, simply good luck to you, may your road be fruitful and full of joy, and may your every dream be fulfilled. This is not for you and I anymore, just for me. We are parted from our path together now. I have found one that I quite like, and look forward to exploring. I hope you have done the same.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

For Coral

It is time. Be free, live joyously. Live fully and without regret, live without saying you're sorry. The whole point is simply to live, that's why we're here. So live.

Staring out this window into yesterday
, Longing for your memory
Back here again I am looking for the beginning
Missing you for far too long, those moments lost to time
The pieces of my heart have belonged to you for so long.

So long gone, too many times I have cried and tried to forget you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, missed my chance to tell you
How could I have known our time was over?
How could I have known until you'd gone?

From far away my past still lives, Finding it's way to my heart
Living is easier now than it was back then
I found a way to move past the pain and found a new life
My heart can breathe again warming in this new sun

So long gone, too many times I have cried and tried to forget you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, missed my chance to tell you
How could I have known it would end so soon?
How could I have known until you'd gone?

I made a pact with your memory, made a deal for my very soul
Now here I lie tortured no more, saved from this life sentence
Somehow you brought me back, Thank you for your patience

So long sadness and tears, no more crying for you
Forgot how to feel after you'd gone, now I see so clearly, now I can tell you,
I loved, I love, and will love again
How could I have known you would save me?

Thank you for saving me...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Beauty of the Rain

A soft face filled with light, bright eyes that hold every emotion all at once, showing the truth behind all of my misgivings. So alone and lost, then finding my way back again, all in a moment, all in those eyes. I long for that moment. I find in it ultimate joy and happiness, and although there are glimpses of sadness, I will not trade them. I see more about myself in those moments than I care to admit. But I am no longer afraid. I am liberated.
My heart aches and burns, yearns and cries, lived and dies in those moments. I am most sure of who I am there, lost, filled with a sense of time that is indescribable. My first and last thoughts are of her, I know that no matter where I go this will be true. She is my mirror. Through her I see everything that my life is. In her I see everything that my life is to be. And it makes me happy. Who could possibly know this excitement and peace all at once. I never thought anything like this feeling could be had. I dive into myself and find depths untouched in many years.
I come back to the surface and bring more of myself with me every time. These eyes, portholes to the soul, both of ours. The light illuminating all the dark corners of mine and showing me again all that is within to be seen. I am whole, truly. Inside of my being is one whole, complete being that has longed to be awoken and free again, and now is that time. I find joy in those sparkling eyes and smiling face. I find happiness and an unknown emotion, something wonderful and grand. I am warmed by it. I am alive. What an awesome moment.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

A starry night...well it coulda been one anyway

"Bon appetit."
"Merci, good sir." Dinner was most elegant that evening, something they hadn't enjoyed together in far too long. "I want to know all about your trip. Tell me why you were gone so long again?" He missed her questioning, she always wanted to know more, know everything, never satisfied. He loved it. Made him feel wanted and necessary, somehow it had never been enough before, but now it was all he wanted.
"Well, cavorting through Europe just isn't actually as much fun as you might think, especially when you're working as hard as we were." He said this with a smile, and she giggled a little, his pechant for stretching the truth slightly no longer fooled her, and he knew it. "Allright, so maybe we had a little bit of fun along the way, but it really was a lot of work. I don't think we spent more than two days anywhere the whole time, went back and forth to places several times, but never for very long. Driving, flying, riding the train, that part was actually pretty nice, the countryside is so beautiful, so clean. And for the most part everyone was incredibly nice. Maybe it was the guys being who they were, but even out alone, no one knowing who I worked for, I saw so many smiles and found so many helpful people. Of course, not knowing what they were saying half the time they could have been saying anything behind those smiles, but it seemed nice enough."
Yes I'm doing it again, more to come, this part of the story isn't quite ready yet. He's having a good time at the moment, give him a break. :)

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Truth

So, here goes, a difficult undertaking at best. Especially since I am not entirely certain what truth I really wish to provide. Let's try this and see where it gets me.

I am older than I once was, which is kind of a duh thing to say, but more true than age. I lived in naivety for many years, and still to some degree I do, but less now. I took multiple year jumps during this life in maturation that should have come a bit more naturally, but didn't due to my ignorance of life, and ultimately my ignoring of it as well. Hrm, perhaps a new tack, or new title? This just isn't here right now. Thought it was, but maybe I was wrong. I don't feel like getting this dark at the moment, feeling a bit lighter than this. Give me a sec...

So I guess I want to write about some of my truths, some of the things that are really a part of who I am, but I think those things are hiding themselves from public view at the moment. They won't come out onto the page, so I shall have to come back to htis idea again later. We'll see. Till then, I will have to try and write some other stuff. Maybe I just need a kick from somewhere. That is not an invitation, by the way. At least not a literal one in any event. Thank you, goodnight.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I've just seen a face

"I can see you there, waiting, will you come to me? Will you join me on this voyage?" He asks in his head, too afraid to ask her directly, but knowing that it all comes to this. His entire being is caught up in her, has been since the day they met. He knows that for certain, now is his time. Not later, not before, but now. As much as he thought that he had missed his opportunities in the past, suddenly the realization of just how important this is. Everything has led to this point, and he knows it. He is not so afraid of trying, because after everything that he has endured, trials and pitfalls, successes and failures, he will not let this pass him by.
What he is afraid of is somehow managing to completely screw this up. There have been chances in his past that were lost because of his shortcomings, his lack of confidence and dedication, but not this time. Still lacking for some amount of confidence, his dedication cannot be questioned. He knew it the moment he met her, even started to tell those closest to him that she would be the one, less than a day from that first meeting. So here goes.
"Hi. How are you? I know that we haven't known each other long, just a month in fact, but there is something I need to tell you. I knew from the moment that I met you that something very important, very special was happening. I didn't know exactly what at that moment, but hours later, I knew. I knew you would be the one person in this life that I want to wake up next to every morning, kiss goodnight before falling asleep, and travel this world to find our destiny together. I know that it probably seems crazy fast to be saying this, but as far as I am concerned, it would be crazy for me to not tell you how I feel. I was put here, I was moved along this path in life for this moment, this purpose, this chance. I am here now because I can not and will not allow this chance to pass me by.
Too many times in my life I have failed to put myself out there, give myself that chance at happiness, and I always thought it was a great fault of mine that kept me from reaching this point. But now, I think all this time spent wondering, spent trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how I could fix it, was actually just preparation for right now. I wasn't missing the opportunities from the past, simply using them to be ready for this moment. I am giving myself over completely to this moment, beyond any shadow of a doubt. My life has led me here, to you, and now I pray that I have not acted rashly, or too prematurely. I am finally my own person, with my own thoughts, beliefs, and abilities, not based on anyone else. I have my own dreams forming in my head, and have a belief that not only is there a place for me somewhere in this world, but that the place is anywhere you are too. I hope to see a great deal of this planet with you, find a place to truly call home for the rest of our lives, and fill them with ultimate joy and happiness. The only question, will you join me?"