Thursday, January 31, 2008

For A Pessimist, ...

So while I am hoping not to jinx anything, I have been doing awesomely well the last few days, coming to some long awaited realizations helps. I actually found the key I was looking for, and it has been so amazingly liberating. I may have a shot at this life thing yet! ;-) So what if things are the way they are? I have reclaimed my faith, my passion, and now I can redirect it all in positive and forward thinking directions. Back to work, back to enjoying life, back to being hungry again. Imagine that.
Optimism has reclaimed it's place in the world. Whoo! This is gonna be fun.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Letting go...

So I swear, I do have lots of happy thoughts these days, plenty of happy moments. Just not so many that I write about. I have a happy thought right now in fact, but not one that I am willing to share. Sorry. This is about someone else. Someone that I am desperately trying to get over. She doesn't have a clue I think how much she affected me, how deep my feelings run. I never had the chance to tell her that part. She was gone before I could get it out.
As much as I like to think that I have or at least will move past this, it is actually alot harder than I thought. My world had been opened up in so many ways, and thankfully at least I haven't lost that. I can do this again, still plugging away. All I need now is to figure out how to get over her so I can move on to the next great thing. Any ideas? I heard this line in a movie that you can't fall out of love with someone until you have something else to fall in to. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't. I'd like to think that you can have a part of the people that have been in your heart always with you, and still love someone new with every part of your soul. I think this is possible, at least I really need it to be possible.
There is more than one person that has a piece of my heart, and I feel as though their memories are giving me strength for the future, and not holding me back from loving anyone else completely. It is unlikely to me that anyone of consequence in this matter will ever read this, which is why I think I can get away with writing it. I may never be able to tell her how I fell, how I still feel. But maybe this way I can let it out and get on with things. I can't stay here forever. It doesn't get me anywhere. Still have that happy thought by the way. :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


So maybe everything hasn't worked to the plan. Or even close to the plan. Oh well. I guess we can't always get what we want. Not that all hope is lost necessarily, but I am not looking back anymore. Only forward, on to the next adventure. Maybe someday all will be said and known, maybe I will understand the past. But if not, well, it's the past. It's over. Sometimes it just has to be. I have alot to look forward to though, much more than I realized just a few weeks ago. So here goes everything.
Goodbye past, hello present. Onwards to all that is out there. Here I go again.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Perfect? Who needs perfect?

I may never be a millionaire, I may never have a fancy car, huge house, or a perfect vocabulary.
I may never be able to run a marathon, I may never be able to bench press a car, or even repair one for that matter.
I may be terribly boring, I might be incredibly ridiculous, and I just might be painfully shy.
I may never fit in with the crowd, I might never fit in with you friends, and I might just drive you crazy.
I will never be perfect, I might never be everything you ever hoped for, but I will promise one thing.
I promise to cherish every minute with you.
I promise to try every day to do everything I can to make your life wonderful.
I promise to give everything I am and everything I am not to you.
I promise to never give up on you, on me, or on us.
I promise that I will never be perfect, but I will never let that get in the way of loving you with all of my heart.

All the good ones live this way I think. At least in my experience.
(Men and women, just so you're not getting offended.)
Who needs perfection, right? Just a thought. :-)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Into The Wilderness

So I am toying with some new ideas, some old ones, and trying to find a way to merge them all together into something cohesive and meaningful. This whole book thing comes in fits and spurts, sometimes a random thought kicking off a paragraph or two, sometimes a song morphing it's way into a page. It's the letting go of everything long enough to just write that is really the hard part. Someday it might be easier. Or maybe not, never has been that easy, so why start now?
Oh well, the good stuff is coming, even if I have to fight it out to get it onto the page. It is a lot easier now than it was. I started again to distract from life, and realized that I was actually living the part of my life that I had been distracted from by everthing and everyone around me. Or at least distracted by what I thought was the most important thing going at the time. There are definitely people and relationships that are important for me to spend time in, and are actually not distracting, but invigorating. The words flow simpler around them. Kind of hard to write and conversate at the same time though. But it might be worth looking into practicing on, could lead to something great.
So hopefully soon I will have a piece that I can share, but as nothing is remotely to that stage yet, ya'll will just have to wait. (I know, you're just dying to see it, aren't you?) Soon...I hope.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

The Dream

So I had this dream that led to a revelation a few mornings ago. Basically the dream boiled down to a perfect moment in the spotlight surrounded by friends, and suddenly everything stopped. Time, space, whatever, and what I can only describe as a presence appeared before me and offered me a chance. The chance to go back, to maybe change the way I had lived a recent part of my life. Of course my first thought was to jump up and down screaming yes of course I would, but that only lasted for a moment.
I stopped, thought about everything that had happened. I nearly drowned under a wave of pain and sadness, nearly lost myself in all of this. But in between, I reached out to many people. New friends made like old ones, and old ones made closer than ever. Some brand new friends as well. I thought about how all of this would be lost, thought about that perfect moment I was living that would never have happened either. And I realized what all of these people meant to me. How much they have given to my life, how much more I might be able to give them now than I ever could have before.
I looked into my heart, felt all of the pain come back, and as much as I wanted to be able to make it go away, I couldn't. What I would now have to give up for the possibility of the past was too great. I chose to let the chance pass, and move forward. I chose to let go, and get on with living the life in front of me, not the one behind. And that is the choice I have made. It will not always be easy, but when is life easy? The past is over, whatever happens now is the present, this is what matters. What I do from here on. Not what I did or didn't do before. I can't change it, and even if I could, I won't. Moving on. And living on.