Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Perfect Moments

Spending time long gone, far away from here, trying to find myself. Lost and found again and again, too similar had I become, too much the same as I had always been. So away I went, to find some light, find some hope, find myself. I didn't know who I really was, only that I had been trying to live up to my own expectations of what everyone else probably thought I should be. Don't know if they actually felt that way, expected anything of me more than just me. But I tried anyway.
Until that day I finally decided that there was more to me than this. So I found a way, made a new life and through trial, error, happiness and pain, found most of who I wanted to be. For three years I picked and polished, tried many different ways, met new people and had new experiences. Some good, some bad, all worth learning from. I thought I had found some perfection there, but in the end perfection is a little harder to find. I did have perfect moments, good memories that will serve me well as I move forward. Even if the aftermath wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.
More than once I have tried and failed to find that next level, but no matter. I have found more levels than I thought existed since leaving here, even realized that maybe I found I could come home. I found more opportunity and more joy than I had ever believed possible, have built relationships that support me and find me back here now. Friends and loved ones that give me a chance to figure this life out for myself, and find my own way. And indeed for a time it seemed as if all of my sacrifices and struggles had finally paid their full due, in all aspects of my life.
Maybe it is not so much true now, but even if I may not have perfect now, I know it is very close at hand. This puzzle that is my life has been rather difficult to piece together, even harder to keep together at times. But here I stand. I wake up in the morning thankful for my chance to make this the life I want, I fall asleep daring to dream that there will be everything I pray for the next day. I try and remember all of the good and happy moments, re-live every single smile, every touch and every one of those perfect moments.
I don't know if I will wake to find that happiness has returned, but I know someday something like it will come if it doesn't. But if my experiences away have taught me anything, hope and faith are very powerful. So I won't give them up. Maybe I am setting myself p for a fall, but some things are worth believing in, worth praying for, maybe even worth waiting for. Eyes ahead to the future, but fondly remembering the past. And that part of me that won't let it go. Someday...well someday may never come for some things, but someday everything will be just as it should be. My perfect world is out there, maybe closer than I think, maybe closer than I could ever dare to hope for.
Living happy, living free, and living like there might be no tomorrow. All that matters is right now, at this perfect moment. Every single one of them. And hopefully so many more to come.

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