Friday, February 1, 2008

With every breath...

For years, throughout the scattered memories of my entire life, I have only ever truly wanted one thing. Even when I didn't know how to express it, or even before I knew what it was, it was there. I have wanted other things too, to travel, to write, to live simply. But love, become completely enthralled by the presence of someone else and give do or say whatever it took to find happiness with that person, this has been my one true desire.
And it still was, even more so over the last few months, at least until a few days ago. Dawning realizations that have led me to see more of my own soul, more of my own heart, have made me question my motives. I have known love, both cruel and kind, have known the value of true friendship and understand more fully every day what it means to have people in my life that I can always count on, always be there for me as I have tried to always be there for them.
Basically, I have realized that I don't actually know what I want. I know I want this, my voice, my words on the page, and while it took some incredible joy and sadness to find it again, it lives still in me, gives me more of myself every time I put my thoughts into form. I am without substance when I cannot write, and having regained this after so long, I know it is actually what I wanted all along. This ability to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words that I can't begin to hope to convey while talking.
I was told long ago by someone that I "look like I need to write". So I started doing it. Just standard journal type stuff at first, but somewhere, sometime more started happening. Everything I felt and the relationships I shared with other people grew in my imagination, grew to mean more in my dreams. I found so many stories in my head that I couldn't get them all down. I wrote stories about life, love and loss. I still write them now. My oldest story still calls to me for more. It is based so long ago that I don't know if I can do it justice going back to it now.
But there are new stories as well, more in my life and more that has happened than I ever thought might, so many new stories and thoughts and fears, more fear than I knew I had. It strengthens me though, gives me something to work with and work on. For four months I knew exactly what I wanted next. I knew if not exactly where my life would lead, at least the friends I would be spending it with. Now I'm not so sure anymore, not so sure about who I want on this journey with me. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. Was more certain of it than I had ever been of anything before.
This new year has brought many changes, and while many have been less than welcome, they have all been positive. I know how to live, maybe for the first time, on my own two feet. I can take all I have known, not just what is happening right now, and transform it into a new story. I can look back on what I have had and smile, and be thankful. I no longer need only the lipstick. There is more around the corner. One step, one story at a time.

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