Monday, September 22, 2008

The fight... ignore this... just my mission

So why is it that it seems one can never have everything one wants at once? Would it be too much to bear? Too much to handle? Is there such a thing as too much happiness? I don't really think so, though since I can't recall the last time I felt that happy I can't really say. I do know that there are many things in my life that I am very happy about, very fortunate to have going for me, and I am thankful. I have worked very hard for a long time to be able to have the kind of job opportunity I am now getting and I know that without all of the crappy days at every one of my jobs that I never would be where I am now. An incredible opportunity, a great new start on what will hopefully be my second real career, after my production years, now I get a chance to do something new and exciting and different, though without all of my previous experiences I probably couldn't have even gotten this chance let alone have a chance of making it work.
But I know it will work. I look forward to the challenge of everyday, and also to being better able to define what I do to anyone who asks at some point in the future, but for now it is a lot of different things, in a place close to home. So I have a new job, I have a place to live, I have family and friends that support me no matter what I do, and are very happy for me as I move forward. It's still hard though. Moving forward. It is scary, and almost overwhelming at times. So much easier with support than it could ever be without.
I just miss some of that. I can't celebrate the way I had planned, can't bask in my unimaginable good fortune. There is something missing. I know what that something is, but I can't seem to get a hold of it. I am trying, even though I really don't know how. But I haven't lost hope. There have been times in my life when I have and this is not one of them. Times when I gave up and without my friends I might never have recovered. But not this time. While I have made it this far (and it certainly hasn't been alone) I won't be giving up now. Too much faith has been laid upon me be my friends throughout the years, too many promises made to go down without fighting now.
So I look forward to my new career, my new life and everything that comes with it. I look forward to the challenge of making the best of my life that I can. And I look forward to the fight for that which I want most. I don't really know how to, having only done it twice in my life, but I pray now. To who or what exactly I cannot tell, but I pray that what I truly desire, more than I have ever before, gives me another chance to prove it. I know I will be successful in life, that is no longer a question. I will become the person I have endeavored to become.
That's the reason I moved to Sac in the first place, to find myself. Over the last three years, I have done just that. One thing I did not really realize until now however was that I was not just finding myself, I was finding the person I wanted to become. And I have found him. And that person, this person, won't give up on what he wants. I will say my prayers, hold onto my dreams, and fight to live and dance another day every day.

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