So why is it that it seems one can never have everything one wants at once? Would it be too much to bear? Too much to handle? Is there such a thing as too much happiness? I don't really think so, though since I can't recall the last time I felt that happy I can't really say. I do know that there are many things in my life that I am very happy about, very fortunate to have going for me, and I am thankful. I have worked very hard for a long time to be able to have the kind of job opportunity I am now getting and I know that without all of the crappy days at every one of my jobs that I never would be where I am now. An incredible opportunity, a great new start on what will hopefully be my second real career, after my production years, now I get a chance to do something new and exciting and different, though without all of my previous experiences I probably couldn't have even gotten this chance let alone have a chance of making it work.
But I know it will work. I look forward to the challenge of everyday, and also to being better able to define what I do to anyone who asks at some point in the future, but for now it is a lot of different things, in a place close to home. So I have a new job, I have a place to live, I have family and friends that support me no matter what I do, and are very happy for me as I move forward. It's still hard though. Moving forward. It is scary, and almost overwhelming at times. So much easier with support than it could ever be without.
I just miss some of that. I can't celebrate the way I had planned, can't bask in my unimaginable good fortune. There is something missing. I know what that something is, but I can't seem to get a hold of it. I am trying, even though I really don't know how. But I haven't lost hope. There have been times in my life when I have and this is not one of them. Times when I gave up and without my friends I might never have recovered. But not this time. While I have made it this far (and it certainly hasn't been alone) I won't be giving up now. Too much faith has been laid upon me be my friends throughout the years, too many promises made to go down without fighting now.
So I look forward to my new career, my new life and everything that comes with it. I look forward to the challenge of making the best of my life that I can. And I look forward to the fight for that which I want most. I don't really know how to, having only done it twice in my life, but I pray now. To who or what exactly I cannot tell, but I pray that what I truly desire, more than I have ever before, gives me another chance to prove it. I know I will be successful in life, that is no longer a question. I will become the person I have endeavored to become.
That's the reason I moved to Sac in the first place, to find myself. Over the last three years, I have done just that. One thing I did not really realize until now however was that I was not just finding myself, I was finding the person I wanted to become. And I have found him. And that person, this person, won't give up on what he wants. I will say my prayers, hold onto my dreams, and fight to live and dance another day every day.
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