Thursday, September 18, 2008

Falling apart and dreaming

So maybe I haven't written in a while. Or maybe I have, and just haven't done so publicly. Either way, it has been quite some time since I visited this place, too long. I am at yet another crossroads in my life, where only days ago everything seemed perfect and set and it looked as though my little life was expanding and moving and becoming everything that I had always wanted it to be. I can see the path of enlightenment, as it were. There has often been this dread in my life, waiting for the bad thing to happen when things were going even remotely okay, but not lately. I feel very lucky to have had such a time of clarity and enjoyment, such of time of focus not only on right now, but on my future and what I really want from it.
I still know what I want, or at least I have a much better handle on it than I did six or seven months ago. Sadly right now I am not the least bit sure if I will get what I want. For those that know me best, it is yet again that time of trial. I'm not sure exactly what the trial is this time, but I am hoping it is only one of patience. Maybe what I want is still there, maybe if I can just be patient enough to wait for it. Maybe I'm not ready for what I think I want. Maybe I need to be patient with myself for a while first and then I'll be ready for it. I don't know.
I still feel like I'm closing in on something extraordinary. I still think I know what that is. I pray every day that I am right because I'm kinda tired of searching for it. Maybe no one know if I'm right, and maybe I won't find out for awhile. I have made many breakthroughs over the past seven months, many times I have wondered how I could be so lucky as to be on this path, after all the times I had given up on so much. But there I was, and here I am. I rise every morning and go to bed every night with the same thoughts, feelings and prayers in my head and in my heart. My hopes and dreams are a bit beaten on, but I still hold to them with everything I have. And I can't seem to help it, but I save every quarter just in case.

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