Monday, February 2, 2009


So it's a beautiful morning. No clouds, a little cool, but that will change. Still of course, finding happiness is difficult. I have a great job, good friends, and an awesome day. So why do I have to think about smiling so much? Why is it so difficult just to be happy? If I were some sort of medical professional, I might say it was due to a chemical imbalance, or something like that. Perhaps if I were a nutritionist it might be that my diet is terrible and therefore I don't get all of the things I need. This of course might be leading to the chemical imbalance, but maybe not.
I tend to think it probably doesn't have everything to do with my diet, since I've felt this way for basically all my life, and I know that I have eaten better i nthe past, and have changed how and what I've eaten many times over so that seems unlikely. It probably is just some broken part of my head, something that maybe could be "fixed" with the right kind of treatment, but who wants that? I have managed to survive this long without any of that crap, so why would I start now? Besides, I like knowing that my thoughts are mine, even if many of them are rather sad.
Of course finding happiness and then losing it really doesn't help this mix-up in my head. I know that I must be doing something right to have felt good and happy in relationships, even if so far they haven't been forever lasting. Even the ones that I thought might make it, for one reason or another, just didn't. So I remember these times now, and while there are definitely some very happy memories, (including the moments when I know I fell in love, those are pretty cool), there is overall a sadness now shadowing those memories too.
I still march onward however, towards the next heartache, if that is to be the case. I can't find someone to love forever if I'm not willing to try. Plus how better than to learn to deal with and control the darkness than to give myself more ammunition to fight it with. Even if that means letting it get a bit bigger. Not every moment is going to be a happy one, not every person I meet is going to be someone that will be with me forever. Maybe somewhere in there I can find more of the good friends that have been with me and helped shoulder this burden through the years. Were it not for them, who knows. Maybe I would have run off and dissapeared into the wild a long time ago. Like Thora in Ghost World. Get on a bus and head out of town. Although it being me I probably would have driven myself, but you get the point.
Somewhere is the place I belong. Maybe it's right here. I'm starting to think so at least. And maybe someday soon, I'll run into the person that I'm supposed to be here with. Even if I don't, I'm not worried. Time may be no friend of mine, but it's not an enemy either. I'm finally figuring that out.

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